1. Thing to Hate About Spas: The Medical ExamAn evil boss once gave me a gift certificate for a weekend at Canyon Ranch in the Berkshires. The first thing they said to me after checking in was that I'd need to have a medical exam to participate in the activities. I replied that:
- a) Caesars Palace, a far more salubrious place in my opinion, doesn't require medical exams; and
b) Since I had no intention to submit to a medical exam on my vacation, I wouldn't be participating in their activities, thank you very much.
2. Thing to Hate About Spas: The FoodHealthy spa food removes as much fat, sugar, and carbohydrates from each meal as possible. Know what else they remove? The taste! Honestly, which makes people happier: Pilates -- or a Pie Lady?
3. Thing to Hate About Spas: 6 am Nature WalksThe only living things that should be up at 6 am are roosters and milkmen. Stay in bed with your significant other and work off calories in a more pleasurable way. Then have the sense to go back to sleep.
4. Thing to Hate About Spas: New Age Spacey NonsenseIf I had chakras, I'd trust that they were in reasonable alignment and not waste my time attempting to rejigger them. In terms of credibility, spa science is about as plausible as intelligent design. Life is also too short to spend time on therapies of dubious value, including color therapy, aromatherapy, and the truly unappealing colonic therapy.
5. Thing to Hate About Spas: Strangers' HandsAt spas, strangers' hands reach out to push, pummel, pick, and squeeze various portions of your anatomy -- if you let them. Some people like this. But if you hate the idea of anyone but your significant other touching you or your beloved, spas are not for you.
6. Thing to Hate About Spas: They're ExpensiveSpa stays do not come cheap. Not only do customers have to pay for services and tip for them, but most spas add to their bottom line by having staff push products. Usually there is also a spa store where you can stock up on their brand of high-priced robes, emollients, and other spa products to recreate the experience at home. That, you can do for less at Wal-Mart.
7. Thing to Hate About Spas: Other Spa GoersEver see the types of people who gravitate to spas? These are not healthy-looking people. I'm not saying you could catch something from them, although their unhealthy obsessions with skin, looks, and bowels can threaten to raise similar questions among those in proximity.
Another thing: Spas sometimes host guest lecturers chosen to inspire guests. Yet these are not necessarily individuals worthy of being emulated or even listened to. At my previously mentioned visit to Canyon Ranch, the celebrity guest was a former Miss America who had been involved in a messy bribery case and subsequently arrested for shoplifting. Sure, she had shapely legs and no cellulite... but she was hardly a role model.