Determined to really embarrass a bride or groom? Or each other? Want to hear a raucous bachelor party or bridal shower quiet down to groans and whimpers? Good! I've searched for the most tasteless, mortifying collection of unnecessary honeymoon gifts to be found (and believe me, the selection is nearly as vast as the Internet itself).
After much consideration, I've narrowed down my selection to the following bad honeymoon gifts that can happen to good people... if you're not careful.
Anything that has "Just Married" emblazoned on it is bad enough. Now imagine those words in rhinestones. On a bikini bottom. The only thing cheesier and more potentially embarrassing to wear on a honeymoon is the customized Swarovski Crystal Bikini
, upon which the blushing bride (if she's not, she ought to be) can wear his last name written in sparkly script across her bottom. Both brought to you from a company called, ahem, "Classy Bride."
2. "Just Married" Sweatpants
For most women, the idea of assembling a dedicated bridal trousseau
with beautifully made garments for the wedding, honeymoon, and newlywed life has become passé. But sweatpants? On your honeymoon? The addition of those Swarovski crystals across the bottom adds just the right touch of tackiness to tell the world (and the groom) that this new bride is rarin' to let herself go.
3. Just Maui'd Thong
Sure, some 30,000 couples tie the knot annually on Maui
, and many more honeymoon there. But is it really necessary to advertise it on the bride's posterior, using the irresistible but painfully obvious pun? Apparently yes.
4. Just Maui'd Black T-ShirtBeware, Hawaii honeymooners: If you're not vigilant or have a surfeit of friends who like to give gag gifts you are going to end up with a wardrobe of this stuff. Warning: Don't waste your money. After you get home, you wouldn't be caught dead in this gear.
5. We Love Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce Alone, No Dressing Mini-ButtonNo one with any sense of style has worn a message button since the early 1970s or the management of Chuck E. Cheese mandated it. This poorly designed, hard-to-read piece of flair provides anyone who gets close enough with more information about you than they could possibly want.
6. "Just Married" Men's Flip FlopsI can't think of what kind of man who would wear these willingly. Unless he lost a big bet. Or they come with an optional ball-and-chain.
Okay, so this one may have some latent value. When you have your first fight, at least you have something appropriate to throw.
8. "Let the Fun Begin" Wine BagCan you say "yard sale?"