I emailed a cross-section of men this question:
"To have a fabulous wedding night, what should the groom-to-be know?"
You'd think I was asking for their PIN number or computer password. I got generalities, evasions, wise cracks. Which, come to think of it, are all somewhat characteristic of your typical wife-husband interrogation.
By and large, these guys just weren't willing to spill the beans and talk seriously about tender lovemaking techniques. But rather than calling married men uncommonly evasive, let's give them the benefit of the doubt: When it comes to discussing what goes on behind closed doors, they're discreet. At least most of them. Herewith, their comments:
- "It is unwise to spend too much time opening those envelopes on one's wedding night. Save it for immediately afterward."
- "Let the bride know that passing wind will be a regular occurrence for the duration of your marriage and she would be best served to join in the fun."
- "Go easy on the spirits. The only thing worse than a morning-after hangover is the inability to deliver the goods on the wedding night."
- "Do NOT, under any circumstances, turn on 'Sportscenter' immediately thereafter. There's plenty of time for that later in the honeymoon."
- "Remember that the bride has just endured one of the most stress-filled episodes of her life, and her immediate goal may be to achieve unconsciousness, rather than sexual Nirvana. If she already has achieved unconsciousness, do not attempt to wake her. Also, you are drunk, and probably slightly obnoxious, and most likely wouldn't 'perform' up to either of your standards. If you posses the self-control to let her get a good night's rest, the next morning will be heavenly."
- "What's so special about the wedding night these days? it's not like it's the first time. My advice: go with the fantasy. It's not often that dreams and reality cross."
- It's all in how you say it...marriage is about communication, You need to put your best self forward, especially in a new situation."
- "After the ceremony, it's too late for advice. Best wishes and good luck!"