But that's not the Florida I want to tell you about it (although there still will be ample opportunities to take your clothes off). Because now that you are about to be married and spend a wad on a trip, you can afford to be a discriminating traveler-- at least this time around.
Here are the 10 commandments for a trip to Florida for those who want to do it better:
1. Thou shalt seriously consider avoiding theme parks.
Families love Florida, which means that if you don't separate yourselves from those nuclear units, you're likely to find yourself surrounded by screaming kids. If your ears weren't pierced before you departed, they surely will be when you arrive. And, suddenly, a nice couple like you, instead of eagerly anticipating honeymoon frolics, will want to know where the first drive-through sterilization clinic is located.
2. Thou shalt rent a luxury car.
Arrange to drive a luxury car that's a) not white (you're too young to be taken for geezers, who all drive white cars -- so you'd never find yours in a parking lot), and b) not a convertible (otherwise known as a melanoma magnet on wheels).
3. Thou shalt reserve a hotel on the beach.
Not near the beach, not across from the beach, not with an over-the-rooftops view of the beach. On the beach. Only then will you benefit from having a breeze in an otherwise stultifying climate, and it won't be a big deal to head for the shore any time of day (or night) you feel like it.
4. Thou shalt not wander.
Pick a place that has all the sports you like to do in one place. Yes, Florida has a zillion golf courses and even more places to play tennis. But do you really want to shlep around in that heat?
5. Thou shalt be respectful of history.
Remember Hurricane Andrew and how it leveled parts south of Miami a couple of years ago? You want a hotel that has proven it can withstand Florida's salubrious climate. Even better, stay in one of the resorts built by an insane zillionaire/robber baron in the 1920s. Those guys didn't cut corners, and who knows, you might find a pot of leftover money in your room.
6. Thou shalt ask questions.
Before you make a reservation, ask if the hotel is being renovated. While some honeymooners may find making love to the sound of a jackhammer quite stimulating, it kills the mood for others. Know what you're in for.
7. Thou shalt covet thy concierge.
Make sure your hotel has one. Since you didn't fly a personal assistant down with you (unless that's whom you married), you won't want to waste a minute making more arrangements than it took to arrive in the first place. So find a hotel with a dedicated staff member to do things like get dinner reservations, make the jackhammers stop, or find the best doctor for treating sunstroke.
8. Thou shalt expect to have a fruit basket delivered to thy room.
Hotels that treat visitors like VIPs always send a fruit basket that includes an appropriately sincere note from a staff member. Waiting for yours will prevent you from eating the contents of the minibar, thus blowing the remainder of your wedding booty. If said basket has not arrived by the time you're ravenous, a) call the concierge and let him or her know there's been a terrible mistake, and b) go to eat at the hotel's most expensive restaurant. It's still cheaper than raiding the minibar.
9. Thou shalt not go shopping.
If you decide to leave your hotel for any reason, do not go to a shopping mall, of which there are many. You will have a fight. Trust me.
10. Thou shalt not dwell in the house of the wrinklies.
Do you have retired relatives in Florida? By all means, pay them a visit (especially if there's a chance you'll be remembered in the will). But don't linger, and don't feel obligated to accept their generous invitation to put you up.
